I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
