well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
