I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
