Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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