If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
