The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
