Ambien. No doubt about it.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
