He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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