the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
