you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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