i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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