i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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