What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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