2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
