we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize