went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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