something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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