sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize