Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
