i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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