the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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