Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
