this just has baby written all over it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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