i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
