Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
