You're so nebulous sometimes
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
