I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i need some magic done to my vagina
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
