I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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