He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
