Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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