U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
