i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
