Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
