So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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