so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
