My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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