but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
