Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
