My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize