i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
