the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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