Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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