and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
