So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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