apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i think i just lost a toe
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
