I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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