Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
