First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
