I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
