I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
