I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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