New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
