This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
