WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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