I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
