Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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